Things That I Have Learned

1. Everything happens for a reason, even though we might see or understand the reason at first.
2. There is no such thing as luck.
3. A charming smile with charming words often hides an ugly truth.
4. Everyday should begin with a smile.
5. To every action we perform, there is a consequence which can be good or bad.
6. Always keep two hands on the wheel.
7. Don't judge people only by what you have heard about them.
8. Always look before you leap.
9. Sometimes family and real friends are really all you need in life.
10. The past cannot change, so therefore do not regret the past. The past has gotten you to your present and will get you through your future.
11. At first sight, anything is impossible. It's when you look further within that you realize that everything is possible.
12. No matter how much we wish to stay in one spot and mope about our miseries, we must continue to move on.
13. Life is about taking risks. If it wasn't, then 'risk' wouldn't be in our vocabulary.
14. Live the life you want to live.
15. Regret nothing. If it was good, it's a cherished memory. If it was bad, it's an experience.
16. Big dreams don't just happen. It doesn't matter how big you dream, because if it's not meant to happen or to be, then it won't come true. Sometimes, we wish for the biggest things in life, but in truth, the biggest things in life are staring at us. We just have to find out what those things are.  In fact, sometimes the biggest things turn out to be small, and the smallest things turn out to be the biggest of them all.
17. Learn to forgive, but never forget.
18. Never expect anything, because things will always change.

Heartbroken Heartbreaker

7 March 2011

2448

My brain is fighting with my heart.

Guess which is winning?

Hint:  <3

I'm a heartbroken heartbreaker. 

Barely living life day by day.

I want this to be over.

But I love you.

I hate loving you.

Just go disappear.

It'll make things okay.

Probably.

Do you do it on purpose?

People say you care. 

It's hard to believe when you're dong..

that.

I wish things were fixed.

Because… 

I miss you.

People don't understand why I do. 

But I understand.

It's because we loved each other. 

We had our own connection.

To kids in love, that's what it is. 

And one thing… One thing can ruin it all.

I'm scared. 

The odds of me getting you back are.. zero. 

I cannot do this.

I'm sorry...

As I'm sitting here not sleeping

there is only one thing on my mind.

And it's you. 

I can't breathe.

My heart stops when you look at me.

I can't eat.

Sleep.

Concentrate.

People say that you want what you can't have…

I understand that now.

I want you.

You don't want me.

You are playing games with me.

Saying things, KNOWING they make me happy

and then saying you meant it a different way

Why are you doing this?

You know I love you.

I can't live happily without you.

Every breath I take without you hurts.

I am not okay. 

Everyone thinks I am now.

It's a lie.

I still love you.

I still want you.

I'm trying to love life.

Ama la vida. Odio el amor.

I lay in my bed upside down.

Thinking of how things used to be.

You loved me.

We both made mistakes.

But mine ended it all.

6 months later, I am still not okay.

But I am handling it.

I don't let you see how I feel.

I blocked you out.

You're in love with a new girl.

And..

I'm still in love with the boy that broke me.

Epiphanies

Today, I woke up missing you. I remembered the times that we use to share. Remember the movies? Remember Military Ball? Prom? Remember that swing that we would always swing on at your house? Today, I woke up miserable and depress. You're with her, not with me. She's on your mind now, not me. She makes you happy, not me. I woke up wondering if today was the day that you would come back to me. God, I hope so, I thought. I miss the conversations that we had, the laughs we would share. What use to be flawless, now feels awkard. What use to feel perfect, nows feels broken. Today, I woke up and thought about you; but a lot of good that would do. You probably never thought about me anymore. Someone else now occuppies your mind. Today, I woke up; but not only did I wake up from sleep, but I woke up from a translucent dream. A dream that felt as though it was keeping me down. Today, I woke up from that dream, and came to reality. I have to be happy. I can't wait around for you; you obviously didn't wait around for me. Today, I woke up, got up, and put all your stuff in a box. Your jacket, our dog, the notes, the pictures, your necklace, everything. I washed off my mirror that you wrote your sweet nothings on. Today, I woke up and decided to be happy.

My story.

First day of school. Sophomore year. I saw this new boy I've heard a lot about. He's this crazy funny loving boy. I thought, "I'm going to make him my best friend." And I did. His name is Many, but I always called him Mando. He and I instantly clicked and were inseparable. Brotherly sisterly kind of love. I'd do anything for him and vice versa. Around October of that year, he started acting weird. And then he told me he loved me. I did not feel that way about him and I told him. He said, "I can wait." Nothing changed with our friendship. Nothing was weird. When it got to be winter time, he held me while I was cold and we'd laugh and play. Just like little kids. At my birthday in January, he walked in the door and I got this funny feeling in my stomach. I ignored it and pushed it away. It was that day I started loving him without even knowing it. Our friendship had always been intimate. He'd hold my hand or put his arm around me. I never thought anything of it before, but when it happened after my birthday, I got butterflies in my stomach. He'd smile at me and my heart would beat at the speed of light. I kept pushing it away. "I'm crazy. This is not happening." He got a girlfriend around February. I was happy for him. Let's call her Mary. I was happy for him. They were cute together. I liked seeing him happy with her. He still held my hand and hugged me all the time. She got jealous. I told her several times that he and I were best friends and nothing else. Then at his birthday in March, at HIS party, she was flirting with another boy. I saw. Mando didn't. So I told her, "Mary, you need to stop. Manny REALLY likes you and if you hurt him… I will hate you forever." She basically told me to mind my own business and stay out of it. He's my best friend in the world. When he's hurt, I'm hurt. when he's happy, I'm happy. And she was about to hurt him.. and I couldn't do anything about it. We got back at school on Monday and I warned him. I told him it was a bad idea and he needed to break up with her. Of course, he didn't listen to me. But he did start to be a little more intimate. Subtle things. Sitting closer. Touching me more. Resting his hand on my thigh. Stuff like that. And in that month of march, I told him how I felt. He said, "Thank GOD. I waited a long time for you." He was still dating Mary while she flirted with a bunch of other guys. And Mando was flirting with me. It was only a matter of time before something happened. And it did. He kissed me. We were friends with benefits, as he said. By the middle/end of March, he broke up with her for me. We kept it on the down low so she wouldn't get too upset. Eventually Mary apologized to me and we became really good friends. But she was not as close as me and Manny were. We would steal secret kisses occasionally but everything else was just like we were before. Best friends. And I loved it. On the last week of school, he started being more public. Sticking his lips out like he was gonna kiss me. People were starting to catch on. A few people already knew. But the last 10 minutes of school, we were in the theatre. He stood up, pulled me up with him and kissed me. In front of everyone. I was giggling that he actually kissed me in front of all those people. We were happy kids. And after that.. The beginning of summer.. That's when the problems started. I was so used to seeing him every single day. Around the third week of summer, after I hadn't seen him since the last day of school, we started to argue a lot. We'd fight, but never go to bed mad. We'd always make up before the day was over. Every night from 10 to 3 am, we'd be on the phone. Talking just like we did when we were best friends. He'd sing to me. Our song was Superman by Robin Thicke. He sang it to me before we were even officially together… We were okay most of the time. We were happy for the most part. I saw him sometimes. Every other weekend or so. We'd kiss and hold hands and have fun. Then one day, I was feeling down about an argument and I vented to my friend Julian. Julian invited me to the mall with him, so I went… And he kissed me. I didn't stop him. i don't know why.. I don't know why I didn't. But after it happened, I had nothing to do with him. I hated him. I deleted him on Facebook. Blocked him on yahoo messenger.. I wanted nothing to do with him. He wanted to ruin things between me and Mando. I couldn't tell Manny about the kiss. He'd break up with me.. So when he asked why I wasn't talking to Julian anymore, I lied and said, "I started to like him so I stopped before I did like him." He got mad, but got over it. We went to the mall, me and Manny. It was the best day of the summer. We bought matching shirts. Played hide and seek in Sears. Tangoed in FYE. (Yes, we can tango.) We sat in Barnes and Noble and read art books together. God kicked out of Macy's for kissing in the curtains…. We had a GREAT time. A week later… he found out about the kiss with Julian. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. He immediately broke up with me. I couldn't cry. I couldn't breathe.. 5 minutes later, he called back and said, "I'm so sorry baby. I love you.. I love you. We can get through this. I'm just a bit angry right now. Can we take a break? Just a few days. I need to calm down." So we did. I got REALLY close to Mary. I talked to her a lot because this break thing was making me lose my best friend and my boyfriend. A few days later, Mando said he wanted to extend the break until school started back. We only had about 2 weeks to go. He promised we'd start completely over and erase the past. I couldn't wait. And then… four days before school started. Four days before we were going to start over.. He broke up with me for good. I was a wreck. Four days before we were going to start over and be happy… I had four days to get better before he saw me crying. We agreed to be friends. Mary held me while I cried. She was my best friend. She listened to me. She gave me advice. She told me, "Just forget him. Ignore him. Don't let him see you're hurt. Just forget him." I thought I could do it. But when I saw him on the first day of school, I started crying. I cried all day. Worst first day of school ever. Second day of school, I was better. We were best friends like we were before, kind of. Third day of school… Oh gosh. He was purposely being sexy. He was doing things he KNEW I liked. He was saying inside jokes we had and making me want him. And I guess I looked extra sexy, cause he wanted to be friends with benefits. I thought if we did that, it would lead to something else and he would be mine again. The next day, he touched me like he used to. Looked at me lke he used to… He kissed me. And I was high on life. I was about to cry. I was in love with this boy. And I thought he was falling for me again. He said, "Oh gosh, baby.. I love you." And I said, "……. I love you too…" He paused.. He looked at me. And he said, "I didn't mean that. It slipped out." I walked away. Went to the bathroom and cried. Did he love me? He said he didn't. But everyone else was telling me he did. They said, "He does love you, Katie. You'll get back with him soon enough!" After two days of being friends with benefits, he stopped. He said he couldn't do it. What? He was so happy and then…. nothing. What was going on? I tried to be his friend. I couldn't do it. I cried too much for that. I was starting to think back about Mary. I realized she was only telling me to get over him because SHE wanted him. But I thought, "No. He doesn't like her. That will never happen." I started getting sick after that. In and out of the hospital. I was in excruciating pain and I only wanted one person to come see me, but of course he didn't. I was in the hospital because I had ovarian cysts. I found out when I got back that Mary was going around telling everyone I had STDs. So.. I confronted her about it. I yelled at her and asked her why she would say that about me. She just denied it and said she said no such thing. I called bullshit on it… Meanwhile, Mando agreed to try to start over with me on October first. That gave him a few months to cool down and think about our relationship. He said, "YES YES YES. I will try it out for two weeks and hopefully, I can trust you enough to get back with you." I started to get okay. I was starting to be happy. The FIRST day I was completely okay, he told me, "I need to tell you something. I.. --" I thought he was going to say, "I love you." But he said, "I… i'll just tell you later."  So I thought. and I thought. And I thought. And it hit me. He loves Mary. I knew it. I found him later that day and said, "Just tell me. I want you to say it to my face." and he said it. He said, "Me and Mary…. We kind of like each other." I left school after that. How could he be my BEST FRIEND one minute, and the next minute fall for the girl that stabbed me in the back? Best friends don't do that to each other. I thought I had it bad before. Now I had to see them together. I saw him touching her like he touched me. I saw him look at her the way he looked at me. I saw him hold her and play with her hair and whisper to her… All in front of me. She was rubbing him in my face. "OH MANNY! NOT HERE!" I didn't have enough strength to stay calm. I didn't have enough strength to bottle up my emotions. I cried. A lot. Neither of them cared. I got new friends. I couldn't stand to see him with her. Something inside me snapped and I went full whore mode. Getting boys left and right with no intentions of keeping them for longer than a week. It did not make me get over him. It just made me want him even more. I tried to talk to him. I tried to get him back. I tried to get over him… Nothing worked. My anger for HER was building up. I hated her. How could she be so coldhearted and do that to me? I ignored them. It was hard. I went a month or so ignoring them. Then last Thursday, I caught Mando staring at me. I said to him, "What do you want?" He smiled at me. He waved. And he said, "Hey. Just wanted to say hi. I haven't talked to you in a a long time and I'm not used to it. I miss you." Everything I was working on. Getting over him... Fell to pieces when he said that. We talked briefly on Friday. I was trying to be the old best friend instead of the heartbroken girl in love. It was working pretty good until Saturday night, Jupiter was in the sky. He and I would always look at the stars together. I tried to be that best friend... I tried. I told him Jupiter was out. And he called me. The last time he was on the phone with me, he was breaking my heart to a million pieces.. I swallowed the lump in my throat and I answered. I told him where it was and he found it. He said, "Okay. Thanks. I'm gonna go fly to Jupiter now." He hung up. I sent him a text saying, "Don't get burned while going through the stratosphere." He then said, "It's okay. i'm gonna get help from Superman."  .............. Superman was our song. I mentioned this earlier. I had to stop talking to him. Sunday, I tried again. Yesterday. I was at the bookstore. I texted him and apologized for having to stop talking to him yesterday. Then he said, "It's okay. i got in trouble for some pictures I sent to someone, so I didn't have my phone a lot anyway." WHY would he tell me that!?!? I started crying in the middle of Borders. Is he doing it on purpose? Who knows... Today.. Today, I caught him staring at me 3 times. Why? IDK! His friend told me that he is more messed up than I am, but... no. He has the girl he wants. He has our mutual friends.. I am not okay. I am constantly reminded of how I was replaced. I see them together all the time. I cry WAY too much. People tell me to move on, but it's not like flipping a switch. I'm a girl in love and it cannot be helped. No advice works. Nothing works at all. And that's the end of my story. I hope you feel better about your problems now. Haha.. </3

~ Katie

Realizations

I closed my eyes for a second and imagined a time when I was truly happy. Wait, could it that had possibly been only a month ago? It had to be more than that; it felt as time had flown, and it had months ago since he had moved. I missed him terribly and wanted nothing more to see him again. Since he had left, I had no desire to do anything. When my friends asked me if I wanted to hang out, I would use work as an excuse, or simply state that my family wanted me to stay home that night. So instead of being out with friends, I would stay home and watch movies while devouring a pint of Ben&Jerry's Ice cream; or drive to the mall and blow what ever amount of cash I had. I would most likely do the second option. It seemed as though spending money eased my mind a bit, but only for a bit. Now that I thought about it, I could never think of a time when I was not thinking of him. In fact, the three most common words that flowed through my mind was "I miss him"; the wish that I would always wished for at 11 11 was for me to be able to see him. And the image I most fantasized about? Seeing him again, running into his arms, kissing him, never letting go of him; things like that. What I most wanted in life was simple. I wanted to be with him. Why was that so hard though? Why did fate make things so complicated, I thought. I could feel myself hating life more and more, until a sudden thought hit me. Maybe you two were never meant to be, said a little voice inside my head. Suddenly, memories began flying through my head. That night I spent crying after I learned he was still talking to his ex. That day he threw a football at my face.. Those car rides filled with shouts and false accusations that were thrown at me. The sadness that filled my heart when he said hurtful things. Those heart crushing words as he told me that he had fallen for another girl. The realization that he never loved me; maybe he did at some point in time, but he never really love me. It time to let go, I thought.