Realizations

I closed my eyes for a second and imagined a time when I was truly happy. Wait, could it that had possibly been only a month ago? It had to be more than that; it felt as time had flown, and it had months ago since he had moved. I missed him terribly and wanted nothing more to see him again. Since he had left, I had no desire to do anything. When my friends asked me if I wanted to hang out, I would use work as an excuse, or simply state that my family wanted me to stay home that night. So instead of being out with friends, I would stay home and watch movies while devouring a pint of Ben&Jerry's Ice cream; or drive to the mall and blow what ever amount of cash I had. I would most likely do the second option. It seemed as though spending money eased my mind a bit, but only for a bit. Now that I thought about it, I could never think of a time when I was not thinking of him. In fact, the three most common words that flowed through my mind was "I miss him"; the wish that I would always wished for at 11 11 was for me to be able to see him. And the image I most fantasized about? Seeing him again, running into his arms, kissing him, never letting go of him; things like that. What I most wanted in life was simple. I wanted to be with him. Why was that so hard though? Why did fate make things so complicated, I thought. I could feel myself hating life more and more, until a sudden thought hit me. Maybe you two were never meant to be, said a little voice inside my head. Suddenly, memories began flying through my head. That night I spent crying after I learned he was still talking to his ex. That day he threw a football at my face.. Those car rides filled with shouts and false accusations that were thrown at me. The sadness that filled my heart when he said hurtful things. Those heart crushing words as he told me that he had fallen for another girl. The realization that he never loved me; maybe he did at some point in time, but he never really love me. It time to let go, I thought.